A Reason to Live
by telescream
Summary: Kaname and Chairman Cross meet after the battle with Rido. Kaname decides on something new to dedicate his life to: his own death.


Hi, readers! I'm new to writing fanfiction, so I would love your reviews. And no, I do not own Vampire Knight. It belongs to Hino-sama.

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It was dusk outside when Kaname and Chairman Cross met in the chairman's office. The chairman was relieved that the evil presence had left his academy. He bustled around the room, making tea for he and Kaname to enjoy. For Cross the mood was celebratory. He had tied his hair back into it's usual style and shifted his warm blanket as he bent down to pick up the tray with tea on it. He hummed a happy tune as he lightly set the tray down on the table in front of the red, plush chair where Kaname was sitting.

When Cross looked up, he was met with the image of Kaname Kuran sitting in the chair, legs crossed, leaned over with one arm propped up by his elbow on his leg, and his face resting on top of his fist. He had his usual distant, lonely look on his face. Cross was immediately unsure if he was right to be celebrating, and his joyful appearance turned into one of curiosity. "Kaname-kun, why do you look so sad? That man is gone now, right?"

"Right."

Cross thought to himself. Wasn't Kaname usually unhappy because of Yuki's distance from him? He pressed, "You now have Yuki back ... Kaname-kun, why shouldn't you be happy?"

The tall dark vampire got up from his seat and strode over to the large window in the chairman's office. With a pained look on his face, he stared out the window. In a weak questioning voice, he asked, "How can I ever be happy?" He lifted his eyes up and looked at his reflection in the window. Slowly he reached his hand out and touched a long, elegant finger lightly to the glass.

Chairman Cross frowned when he heard Kaname's words. He thought he had an idea of what Kaname was thinking about. And he felt it was a shame. After all that had happened, Kaname surely had a right to be happy.

"Kaname, after a millennia, you're the only one that hasn't forgiven.."

"_A_ millennia?" The vampire scoffed. "Only _a_ millennia? You don't give me enough credit, Cross." Kaname brought his outstretched hand down to his side and smiled in his characteristic way, his lips only slightly turned up at one corner. "It's funny. I'm so much older than you, but you talk to me as if I were your child."

Chairman Cross sighed and took his seat in the chair at his desk. He sipped his tea. "I _do_ think of you as a child, Kaname. Just like they did, Haruka and Juuri." Chairman Cross had made a point of bringing up the fact that the late Haruka and Juuri Kuran had too loved Kaname as their son.

"They shouldn't have loved me," Kaname quickly stated in a flat voice. A voice that showed not a hint of doubt. "They should have hated me." Cross just shook his head in response.

"I _hate_ this feeling," Kaname continued. "How can I ever truly be happy when I can't escape this feeling? Even after all of these years, I still feel so dirty!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. The only one who hates you is you-"

Kaname turned around and looked the chairman in the eyes. "I don't deserve her love. Cross, I live in a poor, innocent boy's stolen corpse. And you forgive me? You think I deserve to be loved and to be happy?" His voice lowered at the end, in pleading way.

For a few moments it was silent. Kaname's words hung in the air. Chairman Cross could see the pain in his friend's eyes. He could see deep, unfathomable pain and self-hatred in someone who had always been so stoic. Cross couldn't meet Kaname's eyes any longer. It was too intense; he couldn't bear it. Kaname shouldn't suffer so much. He _knew_ it. He desperately wanted Kaname to know it too.

"Kaname, you didn't do it! You didn't kill that boy, you didn't put yourself there; it's that man's fault! He did it to you!"

Kaname shook his head, and his voice faltered. "I may not have done it; I may not have put myself here, in this body. But I haven't rejected it." His voice grew stronger in his conviction. "I may not have done it, but I'm just as bad as him and what he did to Senri! I'm just as bad! Rido left, but I'm still here. I haven't rejected this body.." He looked at the floor. His voice was low as he remembered. "You know, at first I tried. I would go off to be alone. And then I gouged and scratched and tried everything I could think of to escape this body. But nothing _worked_. All I succeeded in doing was mutilating and further defiling this poor boy's body.." He turned and placed his hands on the windowsill and turned his head to the side. His voice became almost inaudible, so quiet, as if it were struggling to surface, laden under so much pain. "_Poor Kaname,_" the man dwelling inside Kaname Kuran's body whispered through dead lips.

Once again, it was completely silent in the room. Cross couldn't believe how much Kaname was confiding in him. If the circumstances weren't so bad, he surely would have felt happy and flattered. Cross's thoughts were broken as he saw Kaname's body stiffen. Cross was trying to think of something to say to comfort the boy when Kaname suddenly spun around to face Cross and franticly asked, "Cross, what if he can feel?"

Cross blinked, unsure of what Kaname was talking about. Kaname took a step backward and his eyes widened in horror. "What if he's stuck in here? What if all these years he's been crying for help? But I just can't hear him?"

Cross was shocked to see tears begin to form in Kaname's eyes. A pureblood usually wouldn't dare to show such weakness in front of another. But this very fact made the action so incredibly brave in Cross' eyes.

"Maybe he's been inside, suffering all this time … and I've pushed him down … it's his body, but I'm so much stronger than him. He was just a little boy, and I'm so ancient, so much more powerful.. If he was in here all this time, struggling and screaming, I might not even know! He could be in here, unheard, silently suffering for eternity! Mourning his parents' deaths, watching as his little sister was born, desperately wanting to meet her. All this time, with Rido's mismatched eyes as his last living memory!"

Cross took a sharp breath as the implications of Kaname's words hit him. Kaname sunk to the floor and groaned.

It felt like ages as they sat there in silence. Cross didn't know what to say. Why was their so much sadness in his life? All he wanted was for the broken vampire in front of him to go off and live happily ever after with his cute daughter, Yuki.

The silence was broken as Kaname spoke. "All of these years, ever since Yuki was born, I made it may goal to protect her from Rido. Now that he's been destroyed, I have a new goal. To end this suffering." He lifted up his eyes to Cross' stunned face and said, with horrible determination, "Cross, my new goal is to learn how to die."


End file.
